maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I need water and some morals
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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