so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
the night ended with taco bell and tears
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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