listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
