and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
