I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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