I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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