new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
