well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
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He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
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I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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