Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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