Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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