it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
