i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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