Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
