Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
