I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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