I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
