my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
