just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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