So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
