Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just googled if crying burns calories
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
