You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
