Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
