So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
