Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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