I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
