tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
