he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
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he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
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Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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