We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
