We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
