We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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