I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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