Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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