Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
