Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
