I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
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I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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