who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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