I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
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I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
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Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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