Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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