Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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