Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just invented taco cereal.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
3pm strippers are depressing
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
