Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
