All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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