apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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