Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
