So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
