I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
