I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
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Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
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We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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