The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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