Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
