You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i already hear my dad disowning me
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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