My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I have aggressive nipples.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
