I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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