You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
