I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
