You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
