Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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