Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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