You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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