his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
