I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
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